My Solo Trip To Mumbai

My Solo Trip To Mumbai

My first trip solo to Mumbai was not as I expected at all. Mumbai is located in India and is the film capital of the famous and thriving Bollywood industry. My mother is from Mumbai and I always had a desire of becoming an actress as a kid. I used to find anything Indian "cringe," but eventually the movies started growing on to me, and so did the actors. I was pleasantly surprised on how comforting and lovable the actors were on the screen, and I one day hoped to love the same way. I resemble very much with an Indian face, even though I am Nepali. I have short hair, like a tom-boy cut and I had recently come out of the closet after studying in the States. In my recent years, I had mannerisms of a male and found it hard to fit in to the 'standards of beauty.'  I finally had a chance of making my dreams come true as a tom-boy actor, I felt like I could actually be the best at something. 

I had landed in Mumbai with a heart full of hope, and an utmost desire to be financially independent. I no longer wanted to rely on anyone else for my finances. I was very nervous and scared initially, being away from my parents and on my own in a city that I don't know much about. It was my first time living in Mumbai alone. I wanted to see if I could earn in a country on my own, and if I had what it took to do it. 

Within a day or 2 of applying for jobs, I was very surprised to have gotten call backs so soon. I was over the moon to have known that I was a suitable candidate, and that they actually wanted to hire me. Previously being in Dubai and trying to make it there, I did not get a single call back- so this was a big relief. I had applied for acting jobs too- for which I did not get any call backs yet.

I helped out one of my childhood friends with a short film he was making. I was dumbfounded to later find out that they weren't just small actors. I was starstruck. I too did one of my music videos of my own, it was a good experience even though I did not end up posting it. 

I wanted to live alone and get a chance to explore the city, and myself. The second day onwards I was on the hunt for my new apartment. I went and met with people I would typically not meet with, to go and have a look at my new place. I met with people, that offered me pani-puri and tea during breaks. I was introduced to a whole different culture. I did not realize how often these people consume masala milk tea, probably 4-5 times a day. While feeling super uncomfortable talking to strangers with my short hair, I felt like a foreigner in my own skin. In a way though, it was easier talking to strangers because at least I didn't have to meet them again. They asked for an advance for the apartment, and while I confirmed on another place- they refused to return the cash back. On the other hand, I was just happy to have secured a space for me to stay at in the suburbs, Goregaon.

I went to IKEA to buy new furniture for the place, but they told me that it would take yet another 4 to 5 days to get it delivered. I spent the first day in my empty apartment sleeping in a mattress. That night when I looked up to the ceiling, I felt a sense of accomplishment, and independence. I felt like I was in charge of my life. The next morning, I opened the window and a pigeon flew right inside my apartment. This was the scariest situation that I had felt while being in the city. I was tucked inside my mattress bed, wearing my pajamas, with a bird inside of my apartment. I did not know wheather to call security or chase it out on my own. This was my time to be fearless, so I got up, opened the windows and saw the bird sitting near the showers. I made a loud sound and thankfully it flew outside the window. So, I bought a bird net as my first house purchase.

Meanwhile, I was in conversation with a film production company that I had found on the Internet regarding the movie I wanted to make. I called him to Starbucks so we could discuss about it. He finally arrives with unkept mid level shaggy hair, and a beard. We sat down to talk and I don't know who was more awkward, me or him. As I started talking, he got his cigarettes out and starts to smoke. He tells me that he too wants to make a feature film of his own, and that the main thing is to get investors on board. He did not tell me how to get investors or where from, he only told me that he wanted to film my movie, so that one day he could make his own. It was at that moment I knew that he was not going to be my director. Although he did made me feel easy to talk to, maybe because I was his client, but I needed that. I wanted someone to have similar goals and visions with me. He was nice enough to invite me to his apartment and prepare me food, and it was then where he showed me his weed stash at the back of his study table. I was disappointed to see that, but I eventually tried it to maybe get clarity, or see what it made me feel like. 

I had anxiety moving around places through auto rickshaws, and being around public places. I shared these feelings with the film guy, and he told me that Mumbai had a 0% crime rate. With this beautiful mentality in mind, I set forth to explore the world for myself with more confidence. After all, I had my own apartment and I had to refurnish it. The second item I bought for my house was a washing machine. I was in desperate need of it, more than a bed with 4 legs. I remember sitting in the balcony with this guy and dreaming of having our pictures put on the bill boards. I somehow did not want that bad enough, I just wanted to share my content with my close friends and family. I prioritized meaningful relationships, over fame.

Living alone was relaxing, I could wake up at any time I wanted, and no one knew what I was doing. I had a plan of waking up early morning and starting my routine but I didn't get around to do it since I was not motivated. I was going through a tough phase, and was frustrated with my love life. I was finally on my own and had the chance to explore.

There was one day that I went to a club alone very close to my house. At the time Mumbai seemed so big. I went to the club all dressed up in my formals, trying to impress the ladies. I was at the line, when the bouncer looked at me from top to bottom and then looked at me at then directly looked at my boobs, probably to check if I was a girl or not. He called his supervisor, and then let me in because I'm a girl. It was a Wednesday, and was 'ladies night', it was free drinks for all ladies. I was there looking at attractive girls, scanning the club to see if anyone would be interested in me. I was fearless because I knew no one knew me. I went to the bar, and ordered a shot. There were a group of girls standing next to me, I looked at one of them, and there was an instant attraction. I took the shot, and took one more. The girl started eyeing me more and more. As soon as I started dancing with her, I didn't want her anymore. I guess, it was only the chase that I wanted. Maybe it was something more than just hooking up, maybe it was a connection that I craved. There was a guy next to us, and my ego wanted to show that I was a bigger "man" and that I could get the girl. He suddenly started getting more and more drawn towards me, and told me that I was hot. I was flattered, even coming from a guy, I didn't mind it. Maybe it was my insecurities of my past relationships that I felt I had something to prove to myself, like I was enough. Somehow the entire attention of the club shifted to me, there was all eyes on me. That day I ended up in 3 different clubs, with 3 completely different groups of people. I was surprised to how little I was scared, I ended the night in someones bike with a girl. She was attracted to me, I know it, but didn't want to come home with me. That day I ended up going home alone, with a phone number of a Nepalese manager who runs the club. Who, no one had an idea about the next time I went there, that manager was very shady. 

Me coming out of the closet, made me so comfortable in my skin that I realized that I didn't need to drink to be able to open up. Partying just didn't seem that fun to me anymore. I met with a lot of people through Tinder. Some of their life stories to me were merely 'normal'. A lot of secrets were shared in the name of being 'anonymous.' I didn't realize the stories that they shared that I could never even imagine it ever happening in real.

During my free time at home, I spent my time watching streamers that went live. I preferred live channels over movies. Movies just didn't seem very real anymore. I watched to understand relationships for what they really are, how they worked, and the chemistry behind it. I was super sparked in the topic of sexuality, I tried to see as many videos, and read as many books to understand as much as I could on why it exists and what it really is. I liked being alone online, and watching streamers. I felt as I related with them more than anyone around me. 

Then came my desperate attempts to get my documentations set in Mumbai, like get my Adhaar card, bank account, pan card. I went to a lot of start up networking events where I met my 'business' friends. They were just who I needed to be with in order for me to stay focused. It was because of them I got used to traveling in trains. I had no idea how convenient it was to travel 20+ Kms and back, in only 20 rupees. Why don't more people do it? It was honestly better than traveling in cars. I hung out with one guy I met at the events. He came to pick me up in an electric cycle.He took me around Bandra, the posh area in Mumbai in his electric cycle and showed me places I have never visited before. He told me he was from a fisherman's family and turned vegan because his family cooked his pet crab. It's because of this one incident he founded his company called 'Power Plant Foods.' He took me to his "lab" where he made his own tofu and soya milk. He showed me how he grows mushrooms alone in his garage for fun. He is the guy who popped an acid tab during the peak meditation during Vipassana. I met a lot of weird people, and he was definitely one of them.

Mumbai in general has many murals and art pieces over the entire city, with its rich history and culture mostly revolving around the film industry. It is absolutely crazy to see the fandom of the actors in Mumbai. The big billboards and banners got me truly in love with the city, it sparked the reason why I was there. I got introduced to the graffiti, and skateboard culture, something I would've never done if I wasn't alone. I went to the beach in the evenings alone, a lot of people just sleeping there looking at the sky, which was beautiful. There were couples that were enjoying their time being together, whilst I was enjoying my own company. 

I did see an ugly side to the city as well.  Directors sell big dreams to young girls and boys, only to take advantage of them later. I truly feel hurt to know that some people feel so helpless. Some people are willing to throw you under the bus for their own personal gain.  

Mumbai is divided into 2 sections, one is the very rich, and one that live in slums. I went on YNG events. YNG is a community of the children of businessman who were born into generational wealth. We explored the Dharavi slums, which is worth a billion USD. I loved meeting with them, an energy sparked inside me that hadn't in a long time. We saw the gully boys, that were great hip hop dancers. It was good to see some girls also doing hiphop and rapping for a change. 

To sum up, this was the first time ever I spent exploring a city on my own, and I saw from a completely different lens. Sometimes the greatest hero's you can be is in private and for yourself is all that matters. Your dreams might come true in other ways, and not everyone has to know about them. 

Himshikha Golchha